Booking out...

Booked out after two weeks in camp... heck, they said it was the honeymoon week and it was suppose to be smooth-sailing.. I can't imagine what will happen after we book in... Had a lot of fun there(ya right), nopes... Dun really like it there, dun feel like taking orders from a bunch of ppl whose bones i could so easily break... but there's no choice. Meet some really interesting ppl...

And i dreamt of her, not that her from NYP, that can go to hell, no... I mean the HER from my secondary school days, i can't remember her voice, i can't remember her face... the only thing i remembered is her smile, like blooming flowers of spring, so beautiful, so full of life... and all those feelings that i thought i had gotten rid of came back, striking me like a bolt of lightning into the hell that i had created for myself and spent so much effort climbing out of...

i thought of her throughout the 2 weeks, even in training, eating, and even while sleeping...
i'm thinking of her even now...
She said its impossible between us, after all, i'm an real ugly pece of fat shit while she's a goddess, i wanted to believe her...
i wanted to obey her...
i really do...

Sick sick sick

So sick... coughing my brains out... refuse to go see a doctor... dun have the money for it... hahahahaha...

poverty and loneliness are perhaps my only 2 friends in the world...

was invited to attend my graduation ceremony... don't feel like going... can't afford the rental of the graduation gown costs around $58 SGD... yech... there's no way I'm gonna wear a skirt too... no chance of it at all!

will be enlisting soon... strangely... i'm mentally prepared to die there... dunno why...
After hearing about how instructors will use the weekend bookout as a threat to you... i felt that i dun really give a damn.. they can confine me to the camp for as long as they like, i dun give a damn, its not as if i had alot of places to go during my weekends... poverty had restricted alot of my life... hehehehehehe...

whatever... signing off...

Work Work

Hehehehehehe.... Went to work for this past few days, helping my dad out... Damn, there's always so much things to learn from him.... he always knows how to solve his technical problems... Oh ya... my dad works as a part-time contractor-maintenance worker... trained when he was in primary school by my Ah Kong, I daresay he had surpassed all my uncles... yet... he is nowhere successful as them... (nvm the long history... its damn complicated). So we were supposed to build a partition in a section of the wall and change some doors and build a 2 step stairs... pretty easy job... I learnt how to cut glass, mix cement, learn some other things that most people doesn't know about...

Hell, I really really respect my dad. Really do. (I've always wanted to type this). I remember once we were sitting in the living room watching a James Bond movie, I was having a beer with him and we were laughing at Roger Moore's humourous antics when suddenly he blurted out, "Son, they killed your grandfather." I almost choked on my beer and I thought for a while. Ya I know, but we have no way of knowing it, no proof at all, besides, that SOB really deserved it. (And ya, he is a real goddamned JERK) So I said, "Dad, Ah Kong deserves it." I thought he would fall silent for a while and maybe that would be the end of the discussion. Instead, he said, "No, though he had committed such atrocities, a murder is still a murder, it is not the path of righteousness!"

Immediately I was ashamed, I glanced at the altar in front of, the idol of the Lord Guan Yu, sat on it, with his fierce stare and yet kind smile. The face and aura of righteousness all around it. The path of righteousness, a path I had put pride into following, and I just screwed it up. I was so ashamed of myself. He just smiled and said, "don't worry son, they will get their own ends too, its just that I couldn't bear the thought of them killing him after he had treated them so well. " and he went to sleep. I went to my Ah Kong's altar, lighted incense and prayed. I look at his tablet. Damn, his other sons wouldn't even want to go to his funeral, they used 'different religions' as their excuse, even refusing to bring his tablet (and even his picture) back, and after a game of Pass-Me-Around, the tablet and picture ended up in our possession. Traditionally, it should not be this way, the elder son should be the one taking it, but he quoted religious differences, and the others followed suite, my father is the 4th son, he just stared at them, took it and left without a word. Hehehehehehehe, of all the sons, my Ah Kong hated my father the most. We couldn't understand why, nvm, its another segment of boring, complicating histoy. But, to even fight for someone who hated him, I think thats really something, and something that I don't think I'll ever do.

Another stuff...

Arrggghhh.... juz when i thought it is all over...
There is another thing for me to do again....
Another battle to fight....
I dun go for the results...
I juz want to enjoy the fight...
I'm glad there's something for me to do....
at least i ain't wasting my time...
and i can think...

Sick...

its getting very late... soon, my parents will wake up and prepare for work... and here i am, trying to do something thats way out of my league... and coughing my lungs out. Every nerve of my body is screaming "GO TO SLEEP!!! YOU DAMN PIECE OF SHIT!!!" but no... I can feel my body burning up, yet feeling cold in in my feet and arms... and the coughing.. the god-damn coughing. it wasn't that serious this afternoon... maybe it was the lemon tea i drank... maybe its because i put it into the freezer for an hour before i drank it... whatever... oh ya, i can feel the headache building up... ooo... the pain... my brains pulsating, throbbing to the rythmn of my heartbeat. hehehehehehe... i'm not going to sleep yet... no... i'm going to finish that damn thing... no way i'm going to sleep!!! i will try to enjoy the pain and maybe wake up tomorrow like a victor! No Chance! No Chance! NO CHANCE!!! Grrr!!!

Its Over

Never expected myself to be back.. I don't blog, heck, I don't even keep a diary. I remember I created this blog last time for her. Ya. Cos' she's in blogging and I thought that maybe if I had a blog we would have more to talk about. Nopes.. I mentioned it to her and she just look at me and doesn't give me a damn. Hell, I don't blame her, I wouldn't give myself damn too.. hehehehehe.

Anyway, I'm unofficially graduated, after 3 hectic years, and how much I've changed. heh, I've told them "things change" over and over again in our msn conversations and they just look at me like I'm some crazy old man... I don't blame them, I am a bit crazy...

I really tried hard for my course... I gave my best for everything for my assignments, yet I couldn't get an A, of course, talent is a factor. That just shows I don't have what it takes. But I'm still grateful to NYP for accepting me when I was kicked out of TP. Thank You, but I believed I've paid my debts and there's nothing I owe you anymore.

Hell, and I've thought of so many things to blog about last night, and now I felt as though there's nothing to write about. Hahahaha, the piece of shit I am...

Oh ya, it's a good thing I had created an account with blogger, at least I don't have to go through the hassle of filling in the forms again when I create my portfolio for my club.

The Aspiring Mangaka and Writers Club, from what I could gather, they are a bunch of talented youth with a lot of aspirations, I stumbled upon them when I was researching on local creativity.
Hmm, guess I'll stick with them and try and learn as much as I can from them.

That would be enough, signing off...